Tonight I Wanna Cry :')

I heard this song while watching X-factor today..

And I felt that familiar sting.

it struck me like bulls-eye.

It's been almost 4 years, ever since my one and only truest love and deepest ever heartbreak.

we were never together.

" The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over myself walkin' away "

It was so dreadful, like sucking out my very soul, everytime I thought of what could've been.

Maybe it would turn out the same? :/

But i chose to walk away.

Because, and only because, I thought, and still think, 

that it was the best for you, and that you will be happy.

maybe i was wrong.

but i chose to hurt myself, rather than u hurt me.

I didn't wanna make your life miserable.

"Things we do, we do for ourselves. But that which we love we have no choice but to give away."

- Edmond Medina 

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

The hardest ever part,

was to tell you that I don't love you,

when I loved you with all my heart.

and having to say that, i know it stings for you, or maybe not?

but it was killing me inside, million times over.

I acted strong, I acted like nothing was wrong.

I acted like you were nothing,

But u were everything.

All i could think of, was, "As long as u're happy",

even if it means not owning you.

"If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love." - Thich Nhat Hanh 

but i gotta say, trying to be happy for you? was Hard ass. 

-Knowing that i'm not the reason for that smile.

But i tried, and had always did.

"I finally understood what true love meant...love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be." 

— Nicholas Sparks (Dear John)

"It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way"

It's not easy to act. And hide. And keep everything inside.

"Love is when you look into someones eyes and go all the way inside,

to their soul and you both know... instantly."

i remember asking you, do you have this weird feeling everytime u see me? 

"yeah.." that's what u said.

and i chose to stay away...
to avoid complications.
we had it in us, bt we were never meant to be.

"My daddy said, that the first time you fall in love, it changes you forever and no matter how hard you try, that feeling just never goes away." 

— Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)

I guess that's true, the feeling of first love, 

it was so pure,

as it grew from sth so innocent, into something that will last forever.

it's when u put all ur heart out, not knowing how to hold back,

and it's also when the first cut is the deepest.

And i guess the feeling of how it felt will always be there.
but of course now, i came out as a different person.
it changed me.
I'm more aware to guard my feelings,
no more dumb dumb in love that kinda thing.
no more fairytale when u've been slapped by reality.
and i came out stronger,
cuz what doesnt kill you makes u stronger aint it?
and that was also when, I felt true happiness - when i fell in love,
and true sadness - when i walked away.
thank you for opening my eyes and heart.

trust me, the steps, while taking the road, were hard and heavy, that's why it left footprints.

I'm glad i was able to grow and got through it.
but sometimes i wonder if i would be able to love like this again?

do i know how to love again?

previously. it always came to a point where it doesnt seem right,
because I have not really gotten over you.

I had been telling myself, that i'm okay, even when im not.

but at least now, i took alot of time off, and faced it,
i know i'm much better,
i know i've gotten over,
and i know im a stronger and better person as a whole.

I'm sorry for the hurt i've caused in the journey to heal my own heart. :'(

not only i've failed, i've magnified the pain. 

cuz when the truth is uncovered, it hurts twice as much, 

knowing that i'm still heartbroken, and knowing that i've hurt someone else.

But with all that said, I still know that,

Life goes on, and in everything we do, we must have faith.

cuz to be scared, to be afraid, and not doing things cuz of fear, it's like you're not living a life.

you're not alive.

and to be revived, you have to learn to love again.

and i dont wanna keep ranting on my grief,
cuz i know the world wouldnt stop spinning no matter how broken my heart was.

there is so much more to life, i know.

I've turned this sadness, into a strength for myself to achieve my dreams, 

to do other stuffs that my heart longs for,

like travelling :)

 just to make it feel complete again.

and i still believe,
when it comes to love, there is no right or wrong.
if u choose to love someone, despite of whatever state he/she is in, there is no right/wrong.

there are only the paths that you choose,

or the things that you do out of love - which should never be judged.

you never would've thought, behind this smile, behind this boisterous laugh, behind this cheerful girl, 

WAS a very broken heart.
WAS. not anymore.

but i'm getting better everyday, ;)
and i can say that i'm almost good now,
and i dont have much space for grief anymore. :)
i have the courage and faith to believe in love again.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." 

— Maya Angelou

x